now

Dealing by not dealing
How quaint
How abrasive
You said you wanted to be friends
You said that you wanted to keep on talking

But as soon as I put you to the test
As soon as I make it your respnsibilty to call me
I don’t hear form you
I don’t hear a thing
A deafening silence fills the fisher that is growing between us
And if you don’t hurry up we will never be able to talk again

But the chances of you reading this are slim
So this is really just my call out into the dark
Hoping that you might here me
At your table set for one

I'm sorry

All I can really say is that I'm sorry

But we're still friends and thats good.

Angels hair and babys breath

I want to tell you all my thoughts
to let you see what drives me
what makes me who I am
I want to make you understand
but I know that if you could ever really understand
you would have to be hurt
I can't ask you to bear my pain
and even if you ask for it I would not give it
I have my pain
I can deal with that
I want to be able to take your pain also though
so that you might be able to fly
and tell me story's about what you saw
there in the sky

Do you want to know what I see
when I close my eyes?
I see them
I see snippets of a night mare
I see snippets of my life
I want to scream every time I close my eyes
but I know that I can't do that
I would scare you away

I see it all too, when I look into the dark
shadows
dark stands of trees
their there
the nightmares
the flashes of memory
dark on dark

I see it all in the corner of my eye
so I try not to look sideways
follow them into a memory
so that they might remind me
of why god hates me

Smile like you mean it

Why?
there is so much in my mind
so much that plagues me
so much that I would never put on you

but this, one incident
did have a trigger
police officers
they remind me about a time
a time where the system they work for failed me

I tried to tell them
I did tell them so many times
I told them, and they were supposed to keep me safe
but I was never safe in their 'care'
I fell through the cracks
because all that's there is a few stray boards
strewn over an oblivion

And so I found again
my releases
because I didn't want to bother you with that
mostly I didn't want to pour my heart out
just so you could sit there in silence
a very cold comfort indeed

I didn't want to be angry with you for your silence
I don't want to be angry with you
I want to understand why you don't talk
work with you on that
but my patience is thin now

I am thin now
to little butter over to much bread
stirred up and confused
that letter from my mother has sent me into such a turmoil
I don't know how to pick my peices up again
it took so so long
I had them all in a little pile
starting to string my self back together
but that letter ruined that
all pieces
my frustration at that has come out as anger at you
but please know that the root problem has nothing to do with you
I'm starting to think all I need is a little quite
so that I might bring my self together again

The world is just so noisy right now
everyone is talking
and I can't seem to get a word in sideways
I can't seem to do much right
and I know that I notice these comments more than I didn't before
it hurt though, now, to see they've been saying these things all along
that everyone thinks I can't function with out them telling me what to do
and how to do it

I know that my driving has become angrier
I drive so much now though
that it had become a way for me to vent
it has to become a way
I don't have a chance to sit in the back and write
or sit in the passengers side and talk

even if I did talk though
no one knows what to say
and therefore they don't say a thing
I don't want pity
I'm just looking for some understanding
not an excuse either to act awful
just a knowing nod
something...
I don't know because I haven't found it yet

I see it
how I hurt you
by not being able to be understanding
not be the cathy you knew
and I promise that she will come back
if only you give me a little time
collect myself again
become the person I like
not this horrid beast that not even I want to look at
this is not me
not the me I want to be

I want you to know also
I do not compare you to anyone
you are your own
I don't see anyone else's traits within you
I see your traits
your own
I wish that you would not think that I think of you like that
because I don't
I really really don't
you are nothing like anyone else that I've ever known
you are your own perfection
don't worry about that anymore
because I promise that that is not the case
I give my word
all I have

I want to hold you high
and take away your pain

this thing we call growing up

is really nothing more than becoming yourself.
a new and improved version
there should be no great leaps or bounds
but a general progression to what ever mark you have set at the 'end'
you will become who you are meant to be
weather I'm here or not
though I hope to witness your transformation for myself
what seems to you a high velocity metamorphosis
 
It is true that you can no longer be a child
as a child is; not logical
and this phase that is coming up i your life
requires the logic of a maturing individual
requires the very maturity of your age
though it seems to me that you have had that maturity all along
just failed to use it to your advantage
kept it quite so that you might not have to have that responsibility thrust upon you
and I don't blame you for a second
I would have to agree with that idea
its much easier that way
to not have much expected of you
 
as much as you call me the catalyst
I may also be rushing you
because I need you to be this 'grown up' individual
I need to be able to count on you
and I hope that doesn't hurt you
 
I am ever so sorry if I ever did injure you
in anyway
and I know I have
I can see it in your eyes sometimes
and I have no excuses that would excuse these trespasses
I can any apologies for then then and now again
 
It's interesting isn't it?
both of us have said the same thing;
that we will not let go until the other tells us to
looks like we're in this for the long hall then eh?
though, in truth, I can not see myself with someone else
only with you
but I fear that this vision of the future will change and fluxuate with time
and that I may loose you
that you will fade away
and all I will be left holding is vapor
and my memories

bullet with butterfly wings

At times I am enchanted
and others I'm terrified
of what all of this means
of what I can do
how far I can go with this
and for how long
 
And the sad part is;
is that it really has very little to do with you
although it seems I am attacking you
and what you do, or don't
it's not really about that at all
its about him
and her
and all the things that come along with that
 
God knows how scared I am
but if he ever existed he would also see
just how willing I am to try and work through this.
or rather, all of that.
 
I don't want to run away from this
then look back and see what I  gave up
what I would miss out on
what I would loose
having run from myself
 
I can face it now
look it down and move on
the only nagging thing is that;
I thought I had already done that
I thought I was ready to move forward now
 
I wan to know that I'm not alone here
and if I'm the only one feeling this way
because we both have out baggage...
 
But I do feel alone
your silence to my pleas
is very cold comfort indeed.

The morrow

Thats today...
We have so much to do...not really but there is a fair amount of driving to get were we need to be...

I love my coveralls!
It's true though that I am the eternal child.
But I like me that way.

One small favor I would like to ask, please if I make a stament that seems serious or a post that seems...like it needs a response, make one. That would be nice.

yeah, I'm off to blog surf, see you's soon.